Last year I met a guy on OkCupid. Our “friendship” started off rocky, we didn’t seem to get along very well, we kept getting into arguments. For some reason, we kept talking, and over time we became actual friends. He’d already been interested in me but I hadn’t wanted a relationship yet, but the idea was growing on me. We finally met in person about a month ago and got along fine. Between then and a few days ago, I realized that although I do like him, I don’t like him enough to want to date him and we’d started arguing again anyway which made it pretty obvious we’d just be a terrible match, our personalities don’t mesh and we actually have very little in common. After some thinking, I told him how I felt about the matter, being as nice as I could because I knew it’d bother him. And he reacted like a teenage girl who was just dumped. I know how teenage girls act because I was one once, and I wasn’t even this guy’s girlfriend so he overreacted to an almost hilarious degree.
When we met last month, he borrowed a DVD 3-pack from me, Ace Ventura 1 & 2 and the animated series. I’d been trying to remain his friend after “dumping” him but he wouldn’t stop being a total dick to me, you’d think we’d been together five years and I’d just broken his heart. He also spent zero money on me so it’s not like he bought me a ton of gifts and then I kicked him to the curb. It was obvious at this point I’ll probably never see him again, so I left a message on his Facebook Wall asking him to either mail me back my DVDs or Paypal me the money to replace them. I suppose I should’ve sent a message instead of leaving it on his Wall, but it’s not like I said anything terrible. God forbid I ask for my property back, he absolutely exploded. He sent me scathing text messages, which were broken into 24 messages due to the character limit.
At this point I couldn’t give less of a shit about this guy, so I’m posting our final conversation (complete with my commentary in footnotes) because it’s just too insane not to share with my friends. In one part he says his own name, so for the sake of privacy so I’m not being a complete dick, I’ve edited to “B____.” Keep in mind this started after I left that message on his Facebook…
| His first message: | Anymore juvenile crybaby bullshit like that shit on my wall and I’ll delete you and you’ll never get your shit back or anything else for that matter1. Everyone handles things differently, you don’t need to be a self centered antagonistic bitch because you don’t agree with my method of giving cake to the person who asked for it2. Likewise, some people don’t have ice water running through their fucking veins like you do. So shut your fucking face and leave me alone LIKE I ASKED YOU TOO3 if you actually want to salvage whatever is left of our bullshit “online friendship.” Thank you. |
| My reply: | I’m not salvaging shit anymore. If you want to be a child about it and not give my property back, fine. I’d rather have nothing to do with you. Goodbye. |
| Him: | Oooh now I’m being a child because you expect everyone to suck right up to your asshole whenever you don’t like how they act? You’re a fucking giant fat hypocrite. You insult the shit out of someone and act like it’s funny but when they do it to you, its not okay4. You piss and moan about heavy emotional crap like your baby dying5, but when someone else is emotional is not okay6. Go fuck yourself. You’re so screwed up you don’t even know which way is up. This all has to do with you getting your stuff back, again… Hypocracy, telling me my priorities are screwed up. Why do you think only men who want to fuck you are asking you out? Well? Why? Because I lied about girls not liking me, and feeling miserable.7 Don’t believe me? I can prove it. But you’re going to pussy out now. |
| Me: | Blah blah whine whine hate hate. Yawn. Because this behavior totally makes me regret my decision of not wanting to date you. Have a nice life. |
| Him: | Heather… Who or what do you think you are? Do you think I give a shit if I “got to you?” You’re a bag of lols. Where do you get this impression that you are desirable at all.8 I couldn’t even dream of why I’d want YOU, but emotions are stupid that way. You have no ambition, no goals, and you’re fat and already suffering health problems. Once your parents kill themselves, you’re living in a box, unless you magically break bank like 4,000 college graduates who have actual degrees are doing right now.9 Enough with the tough girl crap. Just spare me the blah blah passiveness. I don’t give up on people, but it is a lot easier for you to live in your plastic box thing where life will somehow hand itself to you after age 35. Also, I don’t see how you running away from actual compassion and emotion == “B____ is a baby.”10 If anything, that makes you a sociopath. I don’t hate you, you’re not worth it. I’m gonna eat breakfast now, try not to kill yourself. |
| Me: | Oh my god shut the fuck up already. |
| Him: | Nice comeback. Can’t block me here, can you, princess? Expect a text from me here at least twice a day. Or, you know, some other manageable number since you can’t seem to understand the concept of “leave me alone.” Also… Notice how the tough girl comes back out? |
And then I blocked him because I do, in fact, have that ability. It’s not much of a wonder why he has such terrible luck with girls if this is how he reacts when they say “I don’t think we should date.”
1 He doesn’t have anything else that belongs to me, so I don’t know what “or anything else” means. ↑
2 I want my movies back, I’m not asking for something ridiculous. ↑
3 Everything is [sic] by the way. And he had not, in fact, ever asked me to leave him alone. ↑
4 It doesn’t make me a hypocrite because someone won’t tell me “That thing you just said hurt my feelings.” Our sense of humor is very different and apparently I’m the only one who had the sense to say “That wasn’t funny.” ↑
5 When we’d first met, we’d had a conversation regarding jokes. I said I think certain things shouldn’t be made fun of, he has no problem making fun of absolutely anything. I’d requested that he doesn’t make dead baby jokes around me because I’d had an abortion when I was younger and it’s a sensitive memory. Apparently now he thought that was something worth bringing up to prove how I’m an asshole…? ↑
6 I guess I imagined the fact that I had to spend a lot of time trying to cheer him up and calm him down when he was upset or moody. My bad. ↑
7 He was always talking about how nobody likes him and his life sucks, I guess he’s claiming he was only pretending to be whiny throughout our failed courting period because trying to gain sympathy is how you woo a woman. ↑
8 Pretty sure nothing I said even implied this. ↑
9 The fact that he fell face first into Internet Troll Mode just tells me cutting him off was a good decision. We had multiple conversations about future ambitions I’d been considering, it’s not like I’ve ever flat out said “I’m going to just live at home until I meet a rich guy.” ↑
10 Translation: “WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?!!” ↑
